Thanks to Jon Acuff via Facebook for this AWESOME mindblowing, facemelting portrait.Tuesday, January 19, 2010
This is how awesome the Republican Party is...
...feeling right now thanks to one of the worst-run special senatorial campaigns since Obama blasted that other black guy in Illinois some six years ago.
Thanks to Jon Acuff via Facebook for this AWESOME mindblowing, facemelting portrait.
Thanks to Jon Acuff via Facebook for this AWESOME mindblowing, facemelting portrait.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wherein a no-name blogger gets a call from Pat Robertson himself explaining himself
Jasdye: hello!
PR: Bonjourno! Is this jasdye? May I speak to Mr. jasdye?
Me: Of course, this is the jasdye household. jasdye speaking. Is this...?
PR: Yes, it's me, Pat, your old friend...
Me: I wouldn't say that we're fr...
PR: Listen. So --- I'm in a bit of a jiffy here. I need you to help me out if you can, and I know you can so please cut the bull.
Me: Me? Help you out? How, with my super-de-dooper blogging skills ?
PR: Yes, of course. You have a window to the world that I do not have.
Me: Cripeys! I have like four readers, if that.
PR: Are they intelligent readers?
Me: I suppose, if you don't count the ones that are drunk-Googling "Sarah Palin is a hot fox"...
PR: Then you've got an audience that I don't have.
Me: You mean the drunk---
PR: No, of course not. And I'd like to tell them the other side, my side of the story that I just told the world. You see, I wasn't being racist or homophobic or zebraphobic...
Me: "Xenophobic."
PR: Or any of that other stuff. See, true story, I know these things because God himself told me about them.
Me: Audibly?
PR: Yes. Of course. He talks to me just as surely as you're talking to me right now.
Me: True story?
PR: True story. So, you see, when I make these damning alleged damns on people getting stricken by natural disasters, dying, losing their families and homes and jobs and entire towns -- when I say these things, I'm not being a hate-filled masochist like you think---
Me: You're right.
PR: Of course.
Me: I AM thinking those things of you.
PR: Nor am I hating on the negroes and towl heads or all the Mexicans, or the homo-men-lovers and dykes...
Me: Ummm... You DO realize...?
PR: ...but rather, I am speaking for the mouth of god, who loves all people - even the Islamists. And even some of the baby-killers. But not all of them.
Me: I don't think you understand that you're....
PR: Yes. You see, whippersnapper, God called me up the other day himself, himself I tell you, true story, and he says, "Pat?" I said, "Yes, Lord, it's me." He said, well, first he said, "We need some more cat food. Could you pick up some on your way home?" And then he said, "Oh, and, true story, the Hatians made a pact with the Devil to get the Frenchies out." I said, "Yeah. Are you pulling my leg, God?" "He said, 'What? Um, no. I'm not, Patty My Boy. The Haitians made a pact with the Devil because they were trying to get out of the Frenchies' spider-looking thumbs." And it was the only way they could get out, because God wanted the Europeans in control...
Me: Now, wait, you're saying that the Haitians gained their independence through the Devil. But, but what about the US? We were under colonial rule as well. We declared our independence and then fought a massive war to be a sovereign nation. If God wanted the Haitians to obey their overlords, wouldn't he also want the former 13 to do the same?
PR: No. We weren't slaves. And we had God on our side. We made, you see, the pact with the right person... True story.
Me: But if we chose the right side, then the Brits chose the wrong side?
PR: Hmm... Sure.
Me: And the Haitians chose the wrong side and have been cursed for it ever since, then it only follows to reason that the French must've chosen the right side. See, now the US and France are both loved by God.
PR: No, the God I hear doesn't follow the rules and logic of "Reason." That would be a mistake.
Me: Okay. But you have to admit, this all sounds fishy. For example, if God wanted to give the United States a clarion call to tell it to end its abortion practices, then why only attack the Atlantic coast with hurricanes? What do hurricanes have to do with abortions? Did they show up in places with a high percentage of abortions? Did it destroy the abortion industry or even dust-up the infrastructure? I mean, what possible link says "Hurricane=God's judgment on abortion"?
PR: Well, you're forgetting one important factor, jasdye...
Me: Yes?
PR: ...and that is, fancy boys and gay gals.
Me: So the hurricanes may be God's discipline for abortion and for allowing homosexuals to live, but not for say, genocide or slavery?
PR: Of course. Because you see, when a man and a man get together to do their... their dirty, dirty deed, that's a sin against all of nature. Everybody is affected, see?
Me: No...
PR: And when a mother gets an abortion, that child could be anybody's child, anybody's grandchild. Everybody is affected. Now, on the other hand, the other sins were either down by (bad, real bad) or to (nil factor) dark-skinned people. But I'm not being racist, I'm just telling you what God told me....
Me: Okay, I think I got enough. I'm going to fire up the old oven and throw my head in now.
PR: True story?
Me: True story.
PR: Well, listen, it was sure nice meeting you and talking to you. Hope to see you soon and all...
Me: Hope you burn in a nice cozy corner...
PR: I'm sorry, what?
Me: (click)
PR: God? Is that you?
Friday, January 1, 2010
She's Gotta Have It
Midnight Votes, Backroom Deals, and a Death Panel
Last weekend while you were shooting moose from a helicopter with your video game controller, Harry Reid’s Senate was making shady backroom deals to ram through the Democrat health care hostage situation in a very shady and veiled homosexxual reference. The Senate ended surgery on my grandmother without even reading her Miranda Rights. That and midnight basketball games seem to be standard operating procedures in D.C. No one is certain of what’s in the bill because I can't read it if it's not posted in WorldNETDaily, but Senator Jim DeMint (R-Etard) spotted one shocking monkey regarding the section in the bill describing the FEMA camps' Independent Medicare Advisory Board (now called the Independent Death and Rationing Advisory Board), which is a panel of booty-scratchers charged with cutting bloody health care costs with a butcher knife on the backs of patients – also known as butchering. Sometimes known as maiming. Or backstabbing. Killing. All that quite frankly nasty stuff, youbetcha. Because when they lower costs in medicine, they're just killing innocent, hardworking real Americans left and right. Just like a butcher. Apparently Reid and homosexual lovers have changed the rules of Battleship so that the section of the bill dealing with this waterboarding can’t be repealed or amended without a 2/3 supermajority vote. Senator DeMint said:
“This is a rule change. It’s a pretty big deal. We've never, ever, ever seen anything quite like this before in the history of the US or even the Polandara Galaxy where I'm really from. Imagine, deals. They are making deals! Oh, the crying shame. We will be passing a new law and at the same time creating a giant monkey pee-pee that makes it out of order to amend or even repeal the law. YOU CAN'T EVEN REPEAL A LAW THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!!1! I’m not even sure that it’s constitutional - because I've never read the goshdarn thing, hell, I just make up the whole thing. The interwebz for anything other than propaganda and porn is unconstitutional, it is. But if it is, it most certainly is a senate rule of Jude Law. I don’t see why the majority party wouldn’t put this in every bill, roadhouse, townhouse, outhouse, steakhouse, big house, poor house, and House MD in the country. If you like your law, you most certainly would want it to be immortal for future senates. Zombies!! Vampires!! Team Edward!! Ronald Reagan!! Glitter, sparkle, glitter. I mean, we want to bind future congresses so we can play naughty games. This goes to the fundamental purpose of senate rules: to prevent a tyrannical majority from trampling the rights of the minority or of future congresses. And I know something about trampling the rights of minorities, lemme tell ya.”
In other words, Democrats are protecting this rationing “death panel” from future change with a procedural hurdle. You have to ask why they’re so concerned about protecting this particular provision from loonies like us that make big screeching mountains out of falling poop. Could it be because grandma-eating is one important way Democrats want to “bend the cost curve” and keep the Black man down? Could it be because they are afraid of grandmas and not only want to kill yours now, but also you too when you become your own grandma? And abort your grandchildren before they're even born?
The Congressional Buttface Office (SNURK!) seems to think that such rationing has something to do with cost. In a letter to Harry Reid last week, CBO Director Douglas Elmendorf noted (with a number of caveats) that the bill’s calculations call for a reduction in Medicare’s spending rate by about 2 percent in the next two decades, but then he writes the kicker:
“It is unclear whether such a reduction in the growth rate could be achieved, and if so, whether it would be accomplished through greater efficiencies in the delivery of health care or would reduce access to care or diminish the quality of care.”
And since I get all my information through my big daddy Bill Kristol - or just "Big Daddy Pain" - you should listen to us. Though Nancy Pelosi and anybody with any modicum of sense have tried to call “death panels” the “lie of the year,” this type of monkey-butt tomfoolery – what the CBO calls “reduc[ed] access to care” and “diminish[ed] quality of care” – is precisely what I meant when I used that metaphor all by myself and without any help from anybody else. FIRST!!
This health care bill is one of the most far-reaching and expensive expansions of the role of government into our lives, just like the interstates - and we all know how horribly THAT turned out. We’re talking about putting one-seventh of our economy under the government’s thumb (which it won't be, because government won't have much control over it), rather than health insurance's thumbs, where it belongs. We’re also talking about something as intimate to our personal well-being as medical care and clean underwear, which they will also ration.
Republicans and Democrat "moderates" screwed this bill up so much that people on the right and the left hate it. So why go through with a bill that I would like to take credit for destroying and turning ALMOST worthless? The Senate is planning to vote on this on Christmas Eve because they don't want to stay there on Christmas Day. Ignoring my last statement: Why the rush? Though we will begin paying for this bill immediately, we will see no benefits until immediately - or if you believe me, until Jesus comes back riding on a dinosaur and wipes all the liberals and gotcha journalists off the face of the earth. (That’s the trick that allowed the CBO to state that the bill won’t grow the deficit for the next ten years. And we all know what to do with tricks, right?)
The administration’s promises of transparency and bipartisanship have been broken one by one because my party has held every one of his promises hostage for ransom. We are all hoping that Stockholm Syndrome will take in - we desperately need to be loved. This entire process has been defined by midnight votes on weekends, closed-door meetings with cat-snuffing satanists, a BLACK man in the WHITE House and payoffs to politicians willing to sell their principles for sweetheart deals for insurance lobbyists (Ooops. Did I say that outloud? No? Good). Is it any wonder that Americans are so disillusioned with their part-time leader/quitters on Facebook and Politico?
My only concern is about politics, not health care. REal Americans don’t care for poor, brown, black, suffering, sick people. Americans don’t like this bill. Washington has stopped listening to my ramblings about nothing at all. And so has Todd. But we’re paying attention, and 2010 is coming someday, according to my liberal elite calendar.
- Sarah Palin
“This is a rule change. It’s a pretty big deal. We've never, ever, ever seen anything quite like this before in the history of the US or even the Polandara Galaxy where I'm really from. Imagine, deals. They are making deals! Oh, the crying shame. We will be passing a new law and at the same time creating a giant monkey pee-pee that makes it out of order to amend or even repeal the law. YOU CAN'T EVEN REPEAL A LAW THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!!1! I’m not even sure that it’s constitutional - because I've never read the goshdarn thing, hell, I just make up the whole thing. The interwebz for anything other than propaganda and porn is unconstitutional, it is. But if it is, it most certainly is a senate rule of Jude Law. I don’t see why the majority party wouldn’t put this in every bill, roadhouse, townhouse, outhouse, steakhouse, big house, poor house, and House MD in the country. If you like your law, you most certainly would want it to be immortal for future senates. Zombies!! Vampires!! Team Edward!! Ronald Reagan!! Glitter, sparkle, glitter. I mean, we want to bind future congresses so we can play naughty games. This goes to the fundamental purpose of senate rules: to prevent a tyrannical majority from trampling the rights of the minority or of future congresses. And I know something about trampling the rights of minorities, lemme tell ya.”
In other words, Democrats are protecting this rationing “death panel” from future change with a procedural hurdle. You have to ask why they’re so concerned about protecting this particular provision from loonies like us that make big screeching mountains out of falling poop. Could it be because grandma-eating is one important way Democrats want to “bend the cost curve” and keep the Black man down? Could it be because they are afraid of grandmas and not only want to kill yours now, but also you too when you become your own grandma? And abort your grandchildren before they're even born?
The Congressional Buttface Office (SNURK!) seems to think that such rationing has something to do with cost. In a letter to Harry Reid last week, CBO Director Douglas Elmendorf noted (with a number of caveats) that the bill’s calculations call for a reduction in Medicare’s spending rate by about 2 percent in the next two decades, but then he writes the kicker:
“It is unclear whether such a reduction in the growth rate could be achieved, and if so, whether it would be accomplished through greater efficiencies in the delivery of health care or would reduce access to care or diminish the quality of care.”
And since I get all my information through my big daddy Bill Kristol - or just "Big Daddy Pain" - you should listen to us. Though Nancy Pelosi and anybody with any modicum of sense have tried to call “death panels” the “lie of the year,” this type of monkey-butt tomfoolery – what the CBO calls “reduc[ed] access to care” and “diminish[ed] quality of care” – is precisely what I meant when I used that metaphor all by myself and without any help from anybody else. FIRST!!
This health care bill is one of the most far-reaching and expensive expansions of the role of government into our lives, just like the interstates - and we all know how horribly THAT turned out. We’re talking about putting one-seventh of our economy under the government’s thumb (which it won't be, because government won't have much control over it), rather than health insurance's thumbs, where it belongs. We’re also talking about something as intimate to our personal well-being as medical care and clean underwear, which they will also ration.
Republicans and Democrat "moderates" screwed this bill up so much that people on the right and the left hate it. So why go through with a bill that I would like to take credit for destroying and turning ALMOST worthless? The Senate is planning to vote on this on Christmas Eve because they don't want to stay there on Christmas Day. Ignoring my last statement: Why the rush? Though we will begin paying for this bill immediately, we will see no benefits until immediately - or if you believe me, until Jesus comes back riding on a dinosaur and wipes all the liberals and gotcha journalists off the face of the earth. (That’s the trick that allowed the CBO to state that the bill won’t grow the deficit for the next ten years. And we all know what to do with tricks, right?)
The administration’s promises of transparency and bipartisanship have been broken one by one because my party has held every one of his promises hostage for ransom. We are all hoping that Stockholm Syndrome will take in - we desperately need to be loved. This entire process has been defined by midnight votes on weekends, closed-door meetings with cat-snuffing satanists, a BLACK man in the WHITE House and payoffs to politicians willing to sell their principles for sweetheart deals for insurance lobbyists (Ooops. Did I say that outloud? No? Good). Is it any wonder that Americans are so disillusioned with their part-time leader/quitters on Facebook and Politico?
My only concern is about politics, not health care. REal Americans don’t care for poor, brown, black, suffering, sick people. Americans don’t like this bill. Washington has stopped listening to my ramblings about nothing at all. And so has Todd. But we’re paying attention, and 2010 is coming someday, according to my liberal elite calendar.
- Sarah Palin
Text transliterated from the depths of an Alaskan mudslide.
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