Friday, January 1, 2010

She's Gotta Have It

Midnight Votes, Backroom Deals, and a Death Panel
Last weekend while you were shooting moose from a helicopter with your video game controller, Harry Reid’s Senate was making shady backroom deals to ram through the Democrat health care hostage situation in a very shady and veiled homosexxual reference. The Senate ended surgery on my grandmother without even reading her Miranda Rights. That and midnight basketball games seem to be standard operating procedures in D.C. No one is certain of what’s in the bill because I can't read it if it's not posted in WorldNETDaily, but Senator Jim DeMint (R-Etard) spotted one shocking monkey regarding the section in the bill describing the FEMA camps' Independent Medicare Advisory Board (now called the Independent Death and Rationing Advisory Board), which is a panel of booty-scratchers charged with cutting bloody health care costs with a butcher knife on the backs of patients – also known as butchering. Sometimes known as maiming. Or backstabbing. Killing. All that quite frankly nasty stuff, youbetcha. Because when they lower costs in medicine, they're just killing innocent, hardworking real Americans left and right. Just like a butcher. Apparently Reid and homosexual lovers have changed the rules of Battleship so that the section of the bill dealing with this waterboarding can’t be repealed or amended without a 2/3 supermajority vote. Senator DeMint said:

“This is a rule change. It’s a pretty big deal. We've never, ever, ever seen anything quite like this before in the history of the US or even the Polandara Galaxy where I'm really from. Imagine, deals. They are making deals! Oh, the crying shame. We will be passing a new law and at the same time creating a giant monkey pee-pee that makes it out of order to amend or even repeal the law. YOU CAN'T EVEN REPEAL A LAW THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!!1! I’m not even sure that it’s constitutional - because I've never read the goshdarn thing, hell, I just make up the whole thing. The interwebz for anything other than propaganda and porn is unconstitutional, it is. But if it is, it most certainly is a senate rule of Jude Law. I don’t see why the majority party wouldn’t put this in every bill, roadhouse, townhouse, outhouse, steakhouse, big house, poor house, and House MD in the country. If you like your law, you most certainly would want it to be immortal for future senates. Zombies!! Vampires!! Team Edward!! Ronald Reagan!! Glitter, sparkle, glitter. I mean, we want to bind future congresses so we can play naughty games. This goes to the fundamental purpose of senate rules: to prevent a tyrannical majority from trampling the rights of the minority or of future congresses. And I know something about trampling the rights of minorities, lemme tell ya.”

In other words, Democrats are protecting this rationing “death panel” from future change with a procedural hurdle. You have to ask why they’re so concerned about protecting this particular provision from loonies like us that make big screeching mountains out of falling poop. Could it be because grandma-eating is one important way Democrats want to “bend the cost curve” and keep the Black man down? Could it be because they are afraid of grandmas and not only want to kill yours now, but also you too when you become your own grandma? And abort your grandchildren before they're even born?

The Congressional Buttface Office (
SNURK!) seems to think that such rationing has something to do with cost. In a letter to Harry Reid last week, CBO Director Douglas Elmendorf noted (with a number of caveats) that the bill’s calculations call for a reduction in Medicare’s spending rate by about 2 percent in the next two decades, but then he writes the kicker:

“It is unclear whether such a reduction in the growth rate could be achieved, and if so, whether it would be accomplished through greater efficiencies in the delivery of health care or would reduce access to care or diminish the quality of care.”

And since I get all my information through my big daddy Bill Kristol - or just "Big Daddy Pain" - you should listen to us. Though Nancy Pelosi and anybody with any modicum of sense have tried to call “death panels” the “lie of the year,” this type of monkey-butt tomfoolery – what the CBO calls “reduc[ed] access to care” and “diminish[ed] quality of care” – is precisely what I meant when I used that metaphor all by myself and without any help from anybody else. FIRST!!

This health care bill is one of the most far-reaching and expensive expansions of the role of government into our lives, just like the interstates - and we all know how horribly THAT turned out. We’re talking about putting one-seventh of our economy under the government’s thumb (which it won't be, because government won't have much control over it), rather than health insurance's thumbs, where it belongs. We’re also talking about something as intimate to our personal well-being as medical care and clean underwear, which they will also ration.

Republicans and Democrat "moderates" screwed this bill up so much that people on the right and the left hate it. So why go through with a bill that I would like to take credit for destroying and turning ALMOST worthless? The Senate is planning to vote on this on Christmas Eve because they don't want to stay there on Christmas Day. Ignoring my last statement: Why the rush? Though we will begin paying for this bill immediately, we will see no benefits until immediately - or if you believe me, until Jesus comes back riding on a dinosaur and wipes all the liberals and gotcha journalists off the face of the earth. (That’s the trick that allowed the CBO to state that the bill won’t grow the deficit for the next ten years. And we all know what to do with tricks, right?)

The administration’s promises of transparency and bipartisanship have been broken one by one because my party has held every one of his promises hostage for ransom. We are all hoping that Stockholm Syndrome will take in - we desperately need to be loved. This entire process has been defined by midnight votes on weekends, closed-door meetings with cat-snuffing satanists, a BLACK man in the WHITE House and payoffs to politicians willing to sell their principles for sweetheart deals for insurance lobbyists (Ooops. Did I say that outloud? No? Good). Is it any wonder that Americans are so disillusioned with their part-time leader/quitters on Facebook and Politico?

My only concern is
about politics, not health care. REal Americans don’t care for poor, brown, black, suffering, sick people. Americans don’t like this bill. Washington has stopped listening to my ramblings about nothing at all. And so has Todd. But we’re paying attention, and 2010 is coming someday, according to my liberal elite calendar.

- Sarah Palin

Text transliterated from the depths of an Alaskan mudslide.

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