PR: Bonjourno! Is this jasdye? May I speak to Mr. jasdye?
Me: Of course, this is the jasdye household. jasdye speaking. Is this...?
PR: Yes, it's me, Pat, your old friend...
Me: I wouldn't say that we're fr...
PR: Listen. So --- I'm in a bit of a jiffy here. I need you to help me out if you can, and I know you can so please cut the bull.
Me: Me? Help you out? How, with my
super-de-dooper blogging skills ?
PR: Yes, of course. You have a window to the world that I do not have.
Me: Cripeys! I have like four readers, if that.
PR: Are they intelligent readers?
Me: I suppose, if you don't count the ones that are drunk-Googling "Sarah Palin is a hot fox"...
PR: Then you've got an audience that I don't have.
Me: You mean the drunk---
PR: No, of course not. And I'd like to tell them the other side, my side of the story that I just told the world. You see, I wasn't being racist or homophobic or zebraphobic...
PR: Or any of that other stuff. See, true story, I know these things because God himself told me about them.
PR: Yes. Of course. He talks to me just as surely as you're talking to me right now.
Me: True story?
PR: True story. So, you see, when I make these damning alleged damns on people getting stricken by natural disasters, dying, losing their families and homes and jobs and entire towns -- when I say these things, I'm not being a hate-filled masochist like you think---
Me: You're right.
PR: Of course.
Me: I AM thinking those things of you.
PR: Nor am I hating on the negroes and towl heads or all the Mexicans, or the homo-men-lovers and dykes...
Me: Ummm... You DO realize...?
PR: ...but rather, I am speaking for the mouth of god, who loves all people - even the Islamists. And even some of the baby-killers. But not all of them.
Me: I don't think you understand that you're....
PR: Yes. You see, whippersnapper, God called me up the other day himself, himself I tell you, true story, and he says, "Pat?" I said, "Yes, Lord, it's me." He said, well, first he said, "We need some more cat food. Could you pick up some on your way home?" And then he said, "Oh, and, true story, the Hatians made a pact with the Devil to get the Frenchies out." I said, "Yeah. Are you pulling my leg, God?" "He said, 'What? Um, no. I'm not, Patty My Boy. The Haitians made a pact with the Devil because they were trying to get out of the Frenchies' spider-looking thumbs." And it was the only way they could get out, because God wanted the Europeans in control...
Me: Now, wait, you're saying that the Haitians gained their independence through the Devil. But, but what about the US? We were under colonial rule as well. We declared our independence and then fought a massive war to be a sovereign nation. If God wanted the Haitians to obey their overlords, wouldn't he also want the former 13 to do the same?
PR: No. We weren't slaves. And we had God on our side. We made, you see, the pact with the right person... True story.
Me: But if we chose the right side, then the Brits chose the wrong side?
PR: Hmm... Sure.
Me: And the Haitians chose the wrong side and have been cursed for it ever since, then it only follows to reason that the French must've chosen the right side. See, now the US and France are both loved by God.
PR: No, the God I hear doesn't follow the rules and logic of "Reason." That would be a mistake.
Me: Okay. But you have to admit, this all sounds fishy. For example, if God wanted to give the United States a clarion call to tell it to end its abortion practices, then why only attack the Atlantic coast with hurricanes? What do hurricanes have to do with abortions? Did they show up in places with a high percentage of abortions? Did it destroy the abortion industry or even dust-up the infrastructure? I mean, what possible link says "Hurricane=God's judgment on abortion"?
PR: Well, you're forgetting one important factor, jasdye...
PR: ...and that is, fancy boys and gay gals.
Me: So the hurricanes may be God's discipline for abortion and for allowing homosexuals to live, but not for say, genocide or slavery?
PR: Of course. Because you see, when a man and a man get together to do their... their dirty, dirty deed, that's a sin against all of nature. Everybody is affected, see?
PR: And when a mother gets an abortion, that child could be anybody's child, anybody's grandchild. Everybody is affected. Now, on the other hand, the other sins were either down by (bad, real bad) or to (nil factor) dark-skinned people. But I'm not being racist, I'm just telling you what God told me....
Me: Okay, I think I got enough. I'm going to fire up the old oven and throw my head in now.
PR: True story?
Me: True story.
PR: Well, listen, it was sure nice meeting you and talking to you. Hope to see you soon and all...
Me: Hope you burn in a nice cozy corner...
PR: I'm sorry, what?
PR: God? Is that you?